‘Tis the Season for Odd Pairings…

It starts the day after Thanksgiving… The lights go up on houses, the trees pop up in windows, the music filters in from everywhere. It is all the glitter, tinsel, shine, and sparkle that the rest of the year has dulled itself down for. It is perhaps the most gauche and gaudy of all holidays. It is all the cookies, candies, sweets, and calorie loaded goodies that we spend the better part of the year attempting to avoid. It is the time when we give because we give. We love because we’re supposed to. We’re nice because, well, it’s Christmas. We shove our differences and irritations aside. We join the rest of the world in the giant proverbial green and red ribbon-and-bow-covered, jingle-bell-swinging, fuzzy-3D-beard-adorned, tiny-red-electrical-Rudolf-nose-rigged Christmas sweater and snuggle up close. Please, do us all a favor this year and wear deodorant… Not to mention it is the time of the year when all whom have been lucky enough to stray far away from home join the rest of the unofficial high school reunion at the popular bars in town. Oh what a Christmas treat it is to see all the smiling rosy cheeked people I can’t remember from high school! Is it too early to start asking people to wear name tags? Maybe we could do something clever for the season, like… Gift tags! Pin it to your too-ugly-to-be-ironic sweater, or in the case of Fort Collins, your too-thin-and-far-too-revealing-for-december sweater: “To: You From: Lindsey Nicole Anne Rachel (sat behind you in Spanish sophomore year, said two words to you because you weren’t in the group.)”

But I think my favorite part about the ridiculousness of Christmas is found on the waves of the radio. No, I’m not talking about “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer,” or even “Santa Baby”… I’m not even talking about Mannheim Steamroller or Trans Siberian Orchestra (God forbid I hear any of that, the Christmas spirit would be sucked straight out of my body and lost somewhere in the giant black hole that is synthesized pop)… I’m talking about the songs that come to us straight from some lit record exec with dollar signs in his eyes.

“Jimmy, know what would be reeeeeaaalllllllllllly awesome this year??” Eyes squinted, puff puff pass.
“What’s that, Don?” Puff puff, cough.
“Putting Susie Wearsnounderwear on a Christmas track with Tony Bennett….” Don sips his scotch.
Leaning forward, elbows on his knees Jimmy would say, “Don, why on earth would anyone in their right mind buy that record?”
Pregnant pause… “Because we would, get this, tell them it’s for…..starving children in Africa. Everyone loves Africa at Christmastime.”

Here they are, folks, the world’s most calculated and strangely entertaining Christmas creations:

1. Band Aid- Do They Know It’s Christmas?

My guess is NO they do not know it is Christmas because they are not a predominately Christian continent. But thanks for trying Phil Collins, Bananarama, Duran Duran, Kool and the Gang, Culture Club, Bowie and….. wait for it…. famed bassist and one of the world’s most respected and adored musicians, Paul McCartney! We appreciate your generous donation of voices to the famine in Ethiopia

2.  Band Aid 2004- Do They Know it’s Christmas?
No, not a joke, they tried it again– this time with a rap breakdown… Thanks, but no thanks, Coldplay, Dido, Oasis, Travis, The Darkness and yes…… BONO…. for fighting again for starvation in Africa. Oh and, let’s not forget to thank sworn enemies from dueling brit-pop bands for pushing their differences aside if for only one moment in great Christmas song history.

3. Sarah McLachlan and Barenaked Ladies- God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings

I didn’t think it would be any good, myself, but it actually is. But really? Who’s idea was this? I suspect it was Don’s because the only things these two musicians have in common is the 1990’s.
(the video is not a video at all, but the song… listen if you wish)

4. Cyndi Lauper and The Hives- Christmas Duel

What’s more impressive than the unlikelihood of this brit-garage-rock meets super-80’s-wash-up combo, is the heinousness of the lyrics.  And it is impressively heinous, I assure you.

5. Bowie and Bing Crosby- Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth

This video is a must watch. If not for the awkward Mr. Roger’s-esque interaction between the two crooners, then for the Harry Nilsson name drop. Atta boy Bowie. Although, it was 1977 and I’m pretty sure that Bowie, via a cornucopia of chemicals, doesn’t remember this interaction at all.  (I actually quite like this version, I have to admit)

“I’m not as young as I look”
“None of us is these days…”

6. Martina McBride and Elvis Presley- Blue Christmas
This ridiculous gem is brought to you by Technology. And a pretty darn good make-up artist. (Warning ladies: Elvis remains one sexy sexy beast even posthumously).

 

So in the spirit of the music world, let’s all just get along… at least for a good 3 minutes and thirty seconds for the baby Jesus…………. or at least the starving children in Africa.