When Correlation IS IN FACT Causation

As a student of psychology it has been steam-rolled and tempered into my head “Correlation does not mean causation.” Because two variables coexist and move up and down a scale in precisely the same directions at the exact same level means…. only that.

On Monday evening my Research Methods in Psychology teacher, Dr. Cheese as I call him (It is a less-than-endearing epithet I came up with while describing his combination “Youth Pastor” and “Overly-excited Grad Student” teaching style and should be noted that he is NOT actually a doctor), tempted the Psychological Research gods and their only commandment. Class begins at 7:10 p.m. in a small room with stadium seating that curves around the projector screen that usually displays a power point presentation with far too many exclamation marks!!!!! as if to say that the reason you find this lecture to be the most mind-numbing experiment in teaching is only because you are too stupid (or cool) to get it!!!!!!! This night’s lecture: FUN with Cause and Effect!!! See Cause. See Cause run. See Effect act like it is a direct result of cause.

Dr. Cheese and his nervous fast motions and speed talking, roll into the room at 7:08 decked out in a North Face fleece over a sweater tucked into his wide leg jeans carrying a paper bag bearing the mark of the devil. I’m not lying. There across the top of the sack was written “Chipotle” which I think in most languages translates to “666″. He sets the bag down on the desk in the center of the room and says nervously, “Sorry kids. I haven’t eaten any thing today and things are about to get CRAZY IN HERE IF I DON”T!!!!” He makes fast waving motions with his hands up by his head. And throws in his catch phrase for good nonsensical measure “…and so on and so forth…”  I roll my eyes and reach for my phone. This is a good time to start texting Aunt Jolene. He pulls out of the sack, with the same delicate lifting motion a mother would impose on lifting her baby out of a bassinet, a giant, infant-sized, foil-wrapped burrito. I’m thinking I have a good ten minutes to digitally humiliate this man to my extended family before he begins the lecture. Wrong.

He flips on the computer, loads up the power point, takes a big bite, swallows partially and begins talking. The room fills with the putrid smell of guacamole and corn salsa and not a pen nor a pencil move on paper. I think we are all shocked that he is teaching, much less talking with his mouthful. Isn’t that as ingrained as “Correlation does not mean causation”?????? Time for my very own repetitive punctuation. But he continues and we all reluctantly begin listening through the mush of beans and chicken mole squishing around in his mouth with the words. A text back from Jolene “Sick!!!!” and I find her use of the multiple exclamation mark incredibly appropriate.

Ten minutes later the burrito consumption has ended with a sigh of relief, his being the only one of which that is audible but the sentiment is resounding. He picks up his now liquid-less soda cup, pops the top off and shakes a cube or two of ice into his open mouth. “So… (crunch crunch crunch) cause and effect (crunch crunch) is the kind of relationship where (crunch crunch crunch) we can see a correlation (crunch) but that,” More ice dumping, “doesn’t mean (crunch crunch crunch) that the cause is (crunch crunch crunch) necessarily the only reason for the effect.” And so on and so forth. My head starts to hurt when I realize I’ve been clenching my jaw in utter irritation for close to 20 minutes.

A couple hours of lecture pass with uneventful ease. And then it happens. The unholiest of unholy burrito eating behavior right there in front of a 30 person class. In the absolute middle of a long, contemplative pause, the walls close in and the air becomes too thin. I am in the front row.

“Pvvvvvrrrrrt”

A pencil rolling down the desk? No, no pencil in sight. A chair moving on the lenolium floor? No, they are carpeted. Was that….? Could it be….? DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT?!?!?!?!

I duck my head and stare intently at the misshapen “g” that I have included in one of the words of hasty note-taking. I will reform it. I will reform every letter of every word of the notes from that last slide, in fact, as I bite my tongue and shamelessly attempt to quell the rising laughter that is literally boiling in my gut. I don’t dare look up for fear of meeting eyes with him, or them (they who are as immature as I, also attempting to extinguish the possible outburst of humiliatingly loud laughter). I suddenly realize that I have to physically calm myself down, so as to not contort my face in a way that would lead the others to blame ME for the public fart. I put on some chapstick. Too much chapstick, really but if I let it go from my lips I’ll laugh. I can’t help but wonder if the cause is the bean burrito, and the effect is public gas explusion. Duh, everyone knows that. This is one instance where correlation is in fact, causation. I look at my phone. No! Don’t text Jolene, she will break your levee. The time on the digital face reads “9:47″ and I quickly do the simple math… I have 13 minutes to keep this inside. 13 long and suffer-heavy minutes. I pinch the soft spot of webbing between my thumb and my pointer finger and think about it again…

13 impossible minutes…. And then I realize… that must have been what he was thinking right before he let it go.